Sports

A Gratuitous Cheap-Shot Piece at a Genuinely Nice, but Unlucky Guy, Greg Oden

/ David Hauser / 1 Comment

The hills may be alive in the plains of Oklahoma, but are most certainly not in Portland at the sound of yet another Oden season-ending injury

By David Berlin

Greg Oden is like the spouse that went to the store to get cigarettes and never came back. The former 2007 #1 draft-pick will miss the 2011-12 season after his fifth knee surgery. “Don’t worry baby, I’ll be back in 15…”

Oden is more of a disappointment to the Blazers than a school day during a blizzard is to third graders. Oden is more of a let down than a $15 alcoholic beverage, heavy on the ice. He’s more damaged goods than Cuba Gooding Jr.’s career post-Jerry McGuire.

I want to say to Blazers’ fans that it’s not the end of the world, it could be worse. Except it couldn’t be worse. Kevin Durant, the 2007 #2 pick, scored a career-high 51 points Sunday night to lead the Oklahoma City Thunder to the NBA’s best record.

This is as bad a draft scenario as you could possibly get. Clearly the Blazers asked the wrong girl to the prom.

Except, wait, there is one even worse scenario. Like, for example, if your team drafted the Durantula, maybe the best player since Michael Jordan, and then left your city altogether. Okay okay, when you look at it that way, it pretty much just sucks to be a pro basketball fan in the Northwest. But I hear the hiking out there is phenomenal.

SPINAL TAP: Indianapolis

/ David Hauser / 1 Comment

Owner Jim Irsay’s taking the lead, shaking up the front office and roster from top to bottom.  Andrew Luck is expected to form a solid foundation for the new rhythm section.  Front man Peyton Manning may be offering his lead vocals elsewhere.  And new band manager Rob Lowe has great expectations for all.

Biznatch Slap

/ David Hauser / Leave a comment

By David Berlin

Don’t tell me boxing is irrelevant just because Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Jr. can’t get it together for the fight of the century. Other boxers still take their bouts extremely seriously.

For example, on Friday, Dereck Chisora slapped WBC heavyweight champion Vitali Klitschko during the weigh-in for their Saturday title fight.

You have to give Chisora credit. He obviously takes his craft so seriously that he brings this kind of intensity to the weigh-in. What’s more, he doubled-down by wearing a Union-Jack handkerchief ninja style on his face – the height of professionalism.

What better way to strike fear into the heart of an opponent? Sounds more like a weigh-in from NBC’s “The Biggest Loser.” Continue reading →

Royal Disconnect

/ David Hauser / Leave a comment

Two eggs and a side of manure complementing your morning Internet sports page (art by D.H & A.G.)

By: David Berlin

Every legal brief starts with a section called “Statement of Facts.” In law school you’re taught that the statement of facts should be written in a way that benefits the side you are advocating for. It sounds simple enough but there is an art to it. You can’t omit every fact that is bad for your side or you will lose your credibility with the judge. You can’t change or even stretch the facts or you might be disbarred.

What you can do is stress the facts that work for you. You can place bad facts in the middle of a paragraph surrounded by good facts. If your client is suspected of cheating on her husband, you can refer to her as Mrs. Smith instead of Sally Smith to emphasize that she is committed to family values. You get the idea.

The law profession obviously isn’t the only industry to refine this Jedi mind trick. PR people are pretty good at it too. And one particular type of PR person I really have to take my hat off to – the “reporters” who write for professional sports team official websites. No, they don’t make $500 an hour. But they really ought to.

Just as foliage is most brilliant in Fall, team “news” stories really peak at the beginning and end of a sports season, when the quasi-reporters are ginning up support or are in full-blown damage control.

Continue reading →

What’s Love Got to Do With it (when it comes to Athlete-Starlet hookups)?

/ David Hauser / 1 Comment

MarkDashian is blowing up the internet rumor mill in the "sports offseason"

Dear Headie Sports Doc,

I’m confused, why is it that athletes and Hollywood starlets always end up pairing off together?  I get that famous people want to be with other famous people, but what is it about the personality makeup of athletes and starlets that so frequently bring them together in relationships?  If I have to start watching yet another sports team (beyond already the Nets, Dolphins, Lakers, and Mavericks) just so I can keep up with the latest happenings of my Kardashian girls, I’m gonna crack!

–PERPLEXED IN PEORIA (IL)

DEAR PERPLEXED,

First off, let’s just be grateful that Kourtney seems pretty locked in to her lukewarm relationship/baby making arrangement with Scott.  So at least you do not have to get roped into tracking yet another sports team to keep up with the Kardashians’ significant others (beyond watching Scott’s occasional flirtations with the shuttlecock in badminton or squash matches with his fellow white collar, freeloading, vodka selling partners that E! sneaks into the show from time to time when they are short on content).

You make some great observations and raise a wonderful question.  Dating back to the Joltin’ Joe/Marilyn Monroe combo through the Andre Agassi/Brook Shields fling to Dennis Rodman/Carmen Electra’s bond and on to the more recent Kim Kardashian/Reggie Bush+Kris Humpries+Mark Sanchez triumvirate of relationships you aptly identified a real pattern in all of this historical pop culture data.  We could even throw Tiger Woods into this category with his love(?) affair with Hollywood San Fernando Valley “starlet” Joslyn James (okay maybe we’ll just stick with the aforementioned examples and steer clear of Tiger’s tales of lust). Continue reading →

The Book on Eli: The Mythological Narrative of the “Other Manning”

/ David Hauser / 21 Comments

“I’ll tell you this, if Eli wins a second Super Bowl next week, then I really think he’s made his case that he’s the best QB in the Manning family!”  “At the end of the day, it’s all about how many championships you win, and Eli is beginning to prove to me he is more championship caliber than his brother Peyton.”

These are actual quotes from ESPN and generic sports radio’s endless rambling two-week lead up to the Super Bowl.  And thus reflect the current media age–the great circus of rhetorical contortionists.

Every new event must be painted and billed as the greatest show on Earth.  Every event must have a compelling, simplified narrative to convince us why this next game or show cannot be missed.  It feels no different than good ole’ fashioned yellow journalism; sensationalizing the news to drive up circulation (except with newspapers gasping for their last collective breath, it’s more like driving up viewership so an ESPN production exec can charge an extra $5,000 to Lotrimin AF so they remain the only anti-fungal jock itch cream you can trust…as far as you can trust SportsCenter for being the expert in recommending your jock itch powder)… Continue reading →

The Leaderless NBA

/ David Hauser / 7 Comments

Editor’s Note: The footnotes appear at bottom of the page rather than next to the corresponding paragraph where the footnote is placed, still working to resolve this (one work-around is that footnotes open in separate window next to essay when clicked on).  Enjoy the footnotes nonetheless; they are worth the obligatory “scroll time.”

Bill Russell ain’t got nothin’ on Dwight Howard.  So maybe Bill Russell won a few championships (alright maybe more than a few, 11), put together an MVP season or two (or 5), and, hell, even coached himself (and his teammates) to an NBA championship once upon a time (as one of the only successful player-coach stints in recent sports history)[1], but the great Bill Russell was never wise enough to be a personnel man.

Dwight Howard is a new breed.  Sports pundits have always marveled over what a perfect athletic specimen D12 is for the center position, but his brilliant brawn has blinded us from his acute managerial and scouting prowess.  Little did we know, but he has a knack for knowing what creates a championship team.  By god, he has the secret formula!  Let’s get him some chalk and a board and see what he can teach us…wait, your grand plan for improvements around the Amway Center is Monta Ellis and 31 year old Stephen Jackson…hmmm…can we get that chalk back, I believe Office Depot allows same day returns…. Continue reading →